Do You Feel Eyes On You?

It’s a lovely spring evening.  You and your Significant Other have been out for a relaxing dinner, and now you’re back home sipping a glass of wine on the couch.  Your affectionate cat Fluffy is rubbing against your legs (or your adorable dog Buster is lying on your feet) while your man starts to lavish you with luscious kisses.  As the kissing gets more heated, you move to the bedroom, and clothes begin to come off.  

You’re in bed and really into it now and actual sex starts.  It’s good but for some reason you feel distracted.  Your mind is not completely focused on the sex act – but you don’t really know why.   Afterward you curl up together but somehow feel slightly dissatisfied.  You wonder if you’re having some sort of sexual issue as a couple and what you should do to fix it.Frisky

If you were to come to me as a therapist, one of the first things I’d check on is whether Fluffy or Buster came into the bedroom with you.  Even if your pet stayed off the bed (which they often don’t) if they are in the room during sex it can definitely impact your experience.  This is especially true for women who tend to be a bit more aware of their surroundings and let their minds wander to other issues if things present themselves (like crying children or fire engines howling outside).

Why does this matter?  Because our pets are part of our family.  You wouldn’t want your five year old to stand in the doorway and watch you having sex.  You wouldn’t want your mother or father there either.  Strange though it may seem, your pets fall into the same category.  The difference is that you may not think about it – it’s more of a sub-conscious thing, which is why couples often don’t realize that this is what is lessening their sexual enjoyment.  

When I have discussed this with dozens of couples, what surfaces is that one (or sometimes both) partners feel a little embarrassed, not completely at ease, and not totally in the moment which always makes for the best sex.  Even if you’re into voyeurism and like to be watched, you don’t want your family members in that position.  So if you have a pet, put them on the other side of the door and close it.  

You may be surprised at how uninhibited you become!

Is It All About The Tie?

Fifty Shades of Grey hit the movie-going public like a tornado last month.  Even though there was some optimism that opening weekend would go well (based on the over one hundred million books sold worldwide) no one in the movie industry was prepared for the over ninety-five million in box office the movie took in over Valentine’s Day weekend.

Why am I doing a blog about this?  Because as a sex therapist, I am interested in what such an interest in a story about bondage means.  

2000px-BDSM_acronym.svgBDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism) are aspects of sexuality that have been around since our species figured out that two bodies together kept warmer than each one alone.  There has been much debate about whether Fifty Shades is about two people role-playing and having fun with sex and with full consent, or whether there is a darker side to this, one that is perhaps troubling to people worried about women’s safety and their rights.

Emma Green, the assistant managing editor of Atlantic.com writes that fantasy is both an escape from reality and an expression of a hidden desire.  She tells us that in culture, it both reflects who we are and shapes what we become.  

imgresViolence and sex walks a fine line …we need to be very careful not to let it spill over to a point where there is no control for both people.  Some guys get turned on by violence during sex, probably a throwback to the days when they had to grab their woman by the hair and drag her into the cave for sex.  Some women like it too, possibly enjoying letting go and feeling the strength of the man running the show.

As a therapist I believe that for people who enjoy this it is crucial to talk about it first.  Make sure BOTH people are really into it, and decide what is acceptable and when to stop.  

Sex is about vulnerability which means, especially for women, you need to be able to trust the man and know that you’re safe. Then you can make room for the openness that lets in intimacy and connection.  So go ahead, enjoy the tie, but don’t overdo it!

Quote of the day

“In trying to understand my attraction to sex, I’ve come to realize that in addition to control and paradoxically, lack of control, sex has given me tremendous power.” Sizzlethebook.com

Saturday Sex Tip

Try some fancy footwork. Spend an hour focusing all your attention on your partner’s feet. You can partially fill the tub and have your partner sit on the side and soak his/her feet in water up to the ankle. You … Continue reading

Question

When you’re unhappy in bed with something you’re partner is doing or isn’t doing, how long does it take you to say something?

New Year’s Eve

Well, here it is the last day of the year.  It seems that 2014 has flown by and I’ve hardly had time to experience it. I guess this is the time for New Year’s resolutions. I know for me I’d … Continue reading

Quote of the Day

“A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it.”  D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover

Motivational Monday – Health and Fitness

Clean out your medicine cabinet.  Read all the labels and see if you really need that stuff.  Lots of us have things that really aren’t good for us in there.  Try and get rid of as much as you can. … Continue reading

Lazy Sunday

Pick a movie you love and haven’t had time to see and make some healthy snacks and watch your movie.  If possible, (especially if you’re a female) pick one that will make you cry.  Crying is good for your skin, … Continue reading

Saturday Sex Tip

Find 3 or 4 photos of yourself as a teenager.  Then find a few of your partner.  Take about 15 – 30 minutes and write out a script for both of you as those teenagers.  Start out with a first … Continue reading