3 Dating Deal-Breakers: How to Know if He or She is the One

Bad Relationship Signs in Oprah.com has an article titled “Dating Deal Breakers: 8 signs We All Overlook.” The author, psychologist Terri Orbuch, wrote a book called “5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great.” While I don’t agree with all her eight signs as being deal-breakers, I do agree with one.

2015-09-28-1443402645-1352840-imgres3-thumbIn my over 30 years working as a marriage and family therapist with couples, I have found that if couples don’t listen to each other, and really hear what their partner is saying, it is a prelude for disaster.

Many men will hear a woman complain about some problem she’s having, perhaps at work, and rather than showing empathy for how she’s feeling about it, they just want to quickly come up with a solution to fix it. While well-meaning, this is not helpful and not a good pattern to start off with in a relationship. If a guy is doing this on the first few dates, it’s probably not going to get better.

Continue reading here via The Huffington Post

3 Ways to Put the Fun Back Into Your Sex Life — One May Surprise You!

Let’s get back to how to put the fun back, and the first way is what I like to call:

1) Planned Spontaneity

This means that you actually find some time in advance that you are both going to be available for something spontaneous. The reason I say this is that life doesn’t just stop because you’ve decided to go fly a kite.

Dr. Phil, in his book Love Smart: Find the One You Want, Fix the One You Got lists qualities in a man’s personality that may be important to a woman looking for a good relationship. One of these is being spontaneous. Dr. Phil describes this as someone who can live on the edge, pick up and go on the spur of the moment. He says this quality is important to him because he thinks too much planning takes all the fun out of having a good time.

I agree that over-planning feels confining and takes the surprise element out of spontaneity. However, if you come home from work and want to whisk your partner off for a romantic dinner picnic at the beach and a walk holding hands with the waves rolling over your feet, you may find that you’ve forgotten something. He may have a late meeting that he stayed for, not knowing you had anything planned. You may have forgotten to make arrangements for someone to take your children to sports events they had to go to, or a sleepover.

By sitting down together on a regular basis, and mapping out some common time over the coming week or weeks that you will both be available for spontaneous fun, you will ensure that these problems don’t arise and you can actually be together.

I recommend that you each take a turn, going back and forth, at being the one who will “plan” the spontaneous activity. This makes it a real surprise for the other person, and in that sense it is spontaneous. Also, you won’t feel neglected, because you will know that next week or in two weeks it will be your turn.

Germaine Greer said “the essence of pleasure is spontaneity.” I would just add “planned.”

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2) Become your partner

I want you to try and actually pretend to be your partner. Plan an activity together, something sexy and fun, as if you were him doing the planning. Don’t think about what he would like, instead, become him and think what he would do for you. This takes a little work, as we have a hard time letting go of who we are to be able to really see things from another’s perspective. Sitting quietly for 10 or 15 minutes picturing him and what goes on in his head sounds silly, but is worth it. Remember, you ARE him. What you plan from this perspective will definitely be something that you will like, although if you’re really good at this, you may end up planning something he thinks you would like that is different from what you’d expect to like. You may find something new you really enjoy that you hadn’t tried before.

To read the rest of the article click here – via The Huffington Post

3 Ways to Put the Fun Back Into Your Sex Life — One May Surprise You!

(Sampled from my official Huffington Post blog)

Sex is about a lot of things, sometimes different things to different people. Despite many years of working with couples of all ages, races, and personality types, I am still amazed by how much the meaning of sex can vary from person to person.

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That being said, most people seem to want some similar outcomes from their sexual relationships. Jordan Gray, a relationship coach, says that all people want to feel loved and to feel safe. He believes a war is being waged against women’s self-esteem, sexuality and safety from a very young age. I would agree with him.

Because women have so many dis-empowering messages being sent regarding their sexuality, they need to have a safe space where they feel they can trust their partners.

While I believe that men also need to trust, because they are generally the aggressors in our society they feel less of a need for safety.

Mr. Gray also feels women need to feel seen, to know that you hear them and are aware of their emotional states. Men need to understand that this doesn’t mean they are asking to have you fix their problem, but just to understand their feelings. Of course, women want to feel sexually desired. Men want this as well…..

Click HERE to read the full blog post –

DOES CUPID HAVE GOOD AIM?

I recently read an article by Corey Levitan on the Men’s Health website in which the author theorizes that finding love is, for the most part, out of your control. Finding and connecting with someone who turns out to be right … Continue reading

Word of the day

(actually two words) – french kiss Defined as an open-mouthed kiss with tongue contact. This phrase appeared in British and American speech shortly after World War I, before which there was no equivalent term. Does this mean that before World … Continue reading