Yes, there really is one thing that is a surefire way to make your sex life better. And the surprising thing is that it doesn’t have to do with sex at all.
Unlike my other posts where I refer to different experts and references, this post has only one expert …me! As a state-licensed therapist with over 30 years experience, I have given this piece of advice often and seen it work with thousands of individuals and couples who have come to me.
Are you ready for this secret magic tip? Pay attention – here it is!
Be creative out of bed. Yes, sounds like a simple thing to do and it really is if you’re willing to put a little time and thought into it. To help you understand what I mean, I’m going to give you a few examples I’ve suggested to couples and have seen work wonders.
Think about the first place you kissed your partner (this works equally well with girlfriends and spouses). Maybe it was at your local beach at sunset. Go back to the beach and find a lovely shell. Clean it up and take it to one of those frame places where they can place it in a clear acrylic box (it’s glued in place) with some sand you’ve brought back from the beach. When it’s done, you have a lovely paperweight to give her as a reminder of that first kiss. You will score many brownie points for this.
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It’s a lovely spring evening. You and your Significant Other have been out for a relaxing dinner, and now you’re back home sipping a glass of wine on the couch. Your affectionate cat Fluffy is rubbing against your legs (or your adorable dog Buster is lying on your feet) while your man starts to lavish you with luscious kisses. As the kissing gets more heated, you move to the bedroom, and clothes begin to come off.
You’re in bed and really into it now and actual sex starts. It’s good but for some reason you feel distracted. Your mind is not completely focused on the sex act – but you don’t really know why. Afterward you curl up together but somehow feel slightly dissatisfied. You wonder if you’re having some sort of sexual issue as a couple and what you should do to fix it.
If you were to come to me as a therapist, one of the first things I’d check on is whether Fluffy or Buster came into the bedroom with you. Even if your pet stayed off the bed (which they often don’t) if they are in the room during sex it can definitely impact your experience. This is especially true for women who tend to be a bit more aware of their surroundings and let their minds wander to other issues if things present themselves (like crying children or fire engines howling outside).
Why does this matter? Because our pets are part of our family. You wouldn’t want your five year old to stand in the doorway and watch you having sex. You wouldn’t want your mother or father there either. Strange though it may seem, your pets fall into the same category. The difference is that you may not think about it – it’s more of a sub-conscious thing, which is why couples often don’t realize that this is what is lessening their sexual enjoyment.
When I have discussed this with dozens of couples, what surfaces is that one (or sometimes both) partners feel a little embarrassed, not completely at ease, and not totally in the moment which always makes for the best sex. Even if you’re into voyeurism and like to be watched, you don’t want your family members in that position. So if you have a pet, put them on the other side of the door and close it.
You may be surprised at how uninhibited you become!
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